"Isn’t it crazy how we can look back a year ago and realize how much everything has changed? The amount of people that have left your life, entered, and stayed. The memories you won’t forget and the moments you wish you did. Everything. It is crazy how all that happened in just one year."
I’ve never really written about this, and as I sit here today I’m not quite sure how this will go. One year ago today, June 20th 2013, the world lost one of the most free-spirited, beautiful, and humble people I have ever known. Someone who I considered like another sister. Someone who was one of the very few people that could actually get me to open up about myself; something that is a extremely difficult task. I remember this day so vividly. As if it were just yesterday.
Things were a bit hectic for me a year ago.. It was about a month after I had been in the hospital for a week due to my eating disorder and finding out my hemoglobin & iron levels were extremely low & I was on the verge of death. Something that is, to this day, still very hard to stomach. I was trying to balance working a full-time job that had little compassion with being a full-time out-patient. But, needless to say, I was still making progress. While I was continuing to try and get myself better, and finally on the right track, everything suddenly came to a standstill. I remember getting home from work that day & just seeing my sister sitting at the kitchen table. The mood was incredibly somber and that’s when I looked at my mom. As soon as she mentioned Jessie’s name & what had happened, my heart went heavy and I went into complete shock. The next week was a complete blur. Wakes, funerals, doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I have to say though, I think the hardest part of it all was having to confront her parents. To lose a child, at such a young age, is something I hope I never have to fathom.
Death is a weird thing. Most people don’t like talking about it, or even thinking about it. I will never understand why SHE, of all people, was taken too soon from this earth. And frankly, I don’t want to understand it. Because it still doesn’t make sense. To me. And it never will. I think in some fucked up way, losing Jessie helped save me. It made me value my health more than I ever have before. I stopped taking it for granted. It made me realize, I’m not fucking invincible. It made me stop living life as some painful, boring monotonous routine and actually start LIVING. Something I hadn’t done for months on end.
One year later, and the wounds of losing her are still very much fresh. I don’t think that will change. I don’t think this gets easier — I think that I just learn how to cope a little bit better each day. Life is messy. There are moments of ups and there are moments of downs. There are obstacles, setbacks, trials, tribulations. But I think in those moments, it’s extremely important to remember not to give up. Not to be defeated. But to keep on fighting. Who knows. It might actually save your life.
I miss you Jessica.