all i have to offer is my own confusion

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I'm Kate. Born & raised in the ever lovely New York. I'm not going to bore you with a list of my favorite things; I mean I think my blog pretty much speaks for itself in terms of what I like/don't like. Though I do have an unhealthy obsession with Puggles & Palm trees. Oh! And I'm sarcastic. Pretty Prettty Pretty sarcastic ;)

I'm a firm believer in karma and treating people the way you want to be treated. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And sometimes I fuck up. Royally. I don't have the answers to all life's questions but what I do know, is that I do things genuinely and whole heartedly. My intentions are pure.

I'm just trying to live life the best way I can. Don't ever let someone tell you it's too late to make a POSITIVE change in your life. It's not. And you can. I have. I'm a constant work-in-progess and I wouldn't have it any other way.

OM MANI PADME HUM

~ Friday, June 20 ~
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June 20th.

"Isn’t it crazy how we can look back a year ago and realize how much everything has changed? The amount of people that have left your life, entered, and stayed. The memories you won’t forget and the moments you wish you did. Everything. It is crazy how all that happened in just one year."

I’ve never really written about this, and as I sit here today I’m not quite sure how this will go. One year ago today, June 20th 2013, the world lost one of the most free-spirited, beautiful, and humble people I have ever known. Someone who I considered like another sister. Someone who was one of the very few people that could actually get me to open up about myself; something that is a extremely difficult task. I remember this day so vividly. As if it were just yesterday.

Things were a bit hectic for me a year ago.. It was about a month after I had been in the hospital for a week due to my eating disorder and finding out my hemoglobin & iron levels were extremely low & I was on the verge of death. Something that is, to this day, still very hard to stomach. I was trying to balance working a full-time job that had little compassion with being a full-time out-patient. But, needless to say, I was still making progress. While I was continuing to try and get myself better, and finally on the right track, everything suddenly came to a standstill. I remember getting home from work that day & just seeing my sister sitting at the kitchen table. The mood was incredibly somber and that’s when I looked at my mom. As soon as she mentioned Jessie’s name & what had happened, my heart went heavy and I went into complete shock. The next week was a complete blur. Wakes, funerals, doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I have to say though, I think the hardest part of it all was having to confront her parents. To lose a child, at such a young age, is something I hope I never have to fathom. 

Death is a weird thing. Most people don’t like talking about it, or even thinking about it. I will never understand why SHE, of all people, was taken too soon from this earth. And frankly, I don’t want to understand it. Because it still doesn’t make sense. To me. And it never will. I think in some fucked up way, losing Jessie helped save me. It made me value my health more than I ever have before. I stopped taking it for granted. It made me realize, I’m not fucking invincible. It made me stop living life as some painful, boring monotonous routine and actually start LIVING. Something I hadn’t done for months on end. 

One year later, and the wounds of losing her are still very much fresh. I don’t think that will change. I don’t think this gets easier — I think that I just learn how to cope a little bit better each day. Life is messy. There are moments of ups and there are moments of downs. There are obstacles, setbacks, trials, tribulations. But I think in those moments, it’s extremely important to remember not to give up. Not to be defeated. But to keep on fighting. Who knows. It might actually save your life.   

I miss you Jessica.  

Tags: jessica rest in peace i miss you RIP one year never forgotten life struggles hope love loss faith
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~ Wednesday, January 8 ~
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Life is a struggle, and ultimate victory is only decided in its final chapter. That is why it’s important not to become intoxicated by one’s success or become disheartened in defeat.

Tags: daisaku ikeda words of wisdom SGI buddhism life struggle victory
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~ Saturday, May 18 ~
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I finally feel like I’ve reached all my weight loss goals over the past 2 years. It’s been a trip & I’ve had numerous obstacles & set backs.. But one thing I never did was give up or quit. And for that, I’m extremely proud of myself.

I finally feel like I’ve reached all my weight loss goals over the past 2 years. It’s been a trip & I’ve had numerous obstacles & set backs.. But one thing I never did was give up or quit. And for that, I’m extremely proud of myself.

Tags: goals dedication motivation determination health fitness asos maxi dress happy weight loss me life
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~ Monday, September 24 ~
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Sometimes a song just hits home..

@GoRadio - Hear Me Out 

"Watching as the leaves fall down 
The colors where we use to run and play
Another year’s flown by I feel
It seems to be too soon the seasons change”

(Source: youtube.com)

Tags: close the distance emotion go radio hear me out hurt jason lancaster life pain death memories
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~ Saturday, September 1 ~
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My journey thus far.

In January of 2011 I made the BEST decision of my life; I invested in a personal trainer. I was depressed, out of shape, and my diet was shitty to say the least.

Before I knew it I began to see my body changing. I was heading in the right direction of getting my old/high school body back & I couldn’t have been more thrilled.

My trainer turned in to so much more than just a trainer. We formed a friendship. Something I will forever cherish.

It’s now been approximately a year and a half since I started this journey. I’ve had set backs (oh hey remember when I broke my foot back in February!? Yeah that was cool. Not.) I’ve had plateaus. I’ve gone off track. But the ONE thing I haven’t done is throw the towel in. I have not and I will not give up on my goals. I refuse.

The picture I posted isn’t my before and after. The one on the left is from four weeks ago. It just goes to show how much MY body changes in as little as 28 days! This is what keeps me going. 

And I won’t stop until I feel as though I am the best possible version of myself that I can be.

My journey thus far.

In January of 2011 I made the BEST decision of my life; I invested in a personal trainer. I was depressed, out of shape, and my diet was shitty to say the least.

Before I knew it I began to see my body changing. I was heading in the right direction of getting my old/high school body back & I couldn’t have been more thrilled.

My trainer turned in to so much more than just a trainer. We formed a friendship. Something I will forever cherish.

It’s now been approximately a year and a half since I started this journey. I’ve had set backs (oh hey remember when I broke my foot back in February!? Yeah that was cool. Not.) I’ve had plateaus. I’ve gone off track. But the ONE thing I haven’t done is throw the towel in. I have not and I will not give up on my goals. I refuse.

The picture I posted isn’t my before and after. The one on the left is from four weeks ago. It just goes to show how much MY body changes in as little as 28 days! This is what keeps me going.

And I won’t stop until I feel as though I am the best possible version of myself that I can be.

Tags: me progress weightloss diet health healthy fitness 4 weeks keep going my journey goals weight golds gym personal training dieting life happy 28 days
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~ Tuesday, July 17 ~
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Daily ENCOURAGEMENT.

Life isn’t always smooth. If it were, we would never grow and develop as human beings. If we succeed, we are envied; if we fail, we are ridiculed and attacked. Sadly, this is how people are. Unexpected grief and suffering may lie ahead of you. But it is precisely when you encounter such trying times that you must not be defeated. Never give up. Never retreat.

Tags: daily encouragement Daisaku Ikeda buddhism buddhist SGI relevant life
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~ Saturday, May 19 ~
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I don’t always smile but when I do I make sure it’s cheesy as heck (Taken with instagram)

I don’t always smile but when I do I make sure it’s cheesy as heck (Taken with instagram)

Tags: me smile sunshine love life happy blue eyes
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~ Tuesday, March 27 ~
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I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Tags: maya angelou quote poet wisdom life learning
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~ Saturday, February 25 ~
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I’m in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this. I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Tags: armor for sleep car underwater lyrics life
6 notes