all i have to offer is my own confusion

Daily ENCOURAGEMENT.

Life isn’t always smooth. If it were, we would never grow and develop as human beings. If we succeed, we are envied; if we fail, we are ridiculed and attacked. Sadly, this is how people are. Unexpected grief and suffering may lie ahead of you. But it is precisely when you encounter such trying times that you must not be defeated. Never give up. Never retreat.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I’m in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this. I didn’t care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

In the past 4 months my way of thinking has changed completely. While I’ve never been a spiteful person, I’ve sometimes had ill feelings towards people. I’ve said mean things. I’ve acted in ways that I was NEVER raised to act. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve done stupid things drunk. I’ve done stupid things sober.

And while I can’t quite make sense of the last 4 months of my 26 years on earth, I feel as though I’m changing. Almost as if I’m changing with the seasons. (sup global warming?)

I know I’ve hurt people and people have hurt me. And instead of being jaded by it, like in the past, I’m letting it go. I’m only allowing positive people & positive thoughts into my life from now on. And fuck. It’s hard. But I’ve finally realized my self worth. Something I never had. I realized that I DO deserve happiness. And love.

And one day I’ll be able to share that happiness and love with an amazing man.

Until then I just gotta keep on keeping on.

om mani padme hum.

Here’s to being healthy.

January 17th will mark the one-year anniversary of my first ever sesh with a personal trainer. 2010 was a trying year for me. In terms of not just general life letdowns but in relationships and relationship failures. It’s hard to not let a specific person affect you directly. Especially me. It’s just the way I’m wired. Needless to say, I found myself in a very dark and low place last winter. I had my heart broken. I didn’t know how to cope with it in a healthy way. I was drinking too much and eating like shit. I felt horrible; both mentally and especially physically.

I remember not going out for New Years Eve. Instead I stayed home with family and watched the ball drop on some special that was probably hosted by Carson Daly. I remember waking up the next morning. It was 2011. Yet I still felt the same as the night before. Now, I’m not big on resolutions. In fact I pretty much hate them. I like goals better. Something to work towards. Something realistic. I made a deal with myself. I was done feeling like shit. Done feeling sorry for myself. Done making excuses. So I took the first step. I joined a new gym. But I didn’t stop there. I knew I needed that extra push and that extra motivation to keep me going. So I signed up for personal training sessions. I was excited. Yet nervous. But mostly excited.

One year later and I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. And gained a new (and healthy) lifestyle. And I couldn’t have done it without my trainer. Without him pushing me week after week month after month. He knows what I’m capable of. He knows that when I say “I can’t” that, that’s when he needs to be extra tough on me. And for THAT alone, I cannot thank him enough. He’s become not only my trainer but a good friend. We joke, we laugh, I tell him how much I hate him when I’m choking on my own sweat (ew!). But in all honesty, I wouldn’t have done this any other way. I knew I needed to make changes. Big ones. And I knew I wanted to do it the natural and healthy way.

I’m not done though. I still have many improvements that I would like to make. And let’s face it, after the holidays I think we all could use a little refresh button. :) I still struggle with things day to day. But that’s the thing. I’ve learned that instead of worrying about the future, and in my case, the past, that I just need to focus on the present. To better myself daily. I’ve been through enough shit in my life to have the confidence that I can get through these obstacles.

So here’s to 2012. Let’s all try to be better people than we were last year. And to keep going when all we want to do is give up. This isn’t the end. It’s just a new chapter.